I’m holed up in a meeting room at work. The same meeting room I cried in this week after feeling overwhelmed with a report. In hindsight, it’s an Excel document. In the moment, however, I was frustrated because I wasn’t getting it. I was being talked through things while I “drove” the assembly, but my brain is not Excel-oriented. There are shortcuts I don’t know on top of the report being new to me. Top feeling dumb with PTSD from my last job and you’ve got me here, preaching the benefits of crying in the office.

I wasn’t being trained at my last job. I worked my way up through a handful of positions and in my last two positions I had minimal training. I like to call that being baptized in the flame. I expressed this to my old boss during a one-on-one where he told me, “I can tell you don’t know what you’re doing.

Which led to a panic attack on camera because nobody had shown me how to do the daily tasks of my job (all while he was saying “I'm a good boss!" Sure, Jan.)

Being told that after four years of thriving in my role and receiving accolades from all of the people I worked for stung, a lot, because this man didn’t take the time to get to know me, the work I’d done, or where I was struggling. And I fear that’s where he has his wires crossed and he is not, in fact, a good boss."

Fast-forward to now: My boss is immaculate. She explains things, lets me learn by doing, and record meetings so I can go back and watch them while I do things on my own. I think she’s so great with me because I expressed this concern in my interview with both her and the VP. I told them I think I could have succeeded if I was properly trained, and now they’re taking the time to make sure I am. Those are the kinds of steps that make somebody stay with their company.

That’s also why I cried: I was afraid I was slipping.

I started to doubt myself and disregard only being in my position for six weeks. Gifted-kid-burnout causes discouragement if I don’t get something on the first try and that’s what has been happening here. But I also hear the voice from my old boss telling me, “I can tell you don’t know what you’re doing,” and I was afraid people now were starting to feel the same way. The reality of the situation is that I am new here and I’m not going to get everything right away and everybody here is more established than I am and it will take time and that’s okay.

My current VP told me on my first day, “Everyone was once where you are.”

Which shows he’s actually a good boss instead of having to exclaim it while I cry over Teams.

It’s 7:41am and I lied to my coworker telling her I’m watching the HR training video when in reality, I’m writing this to you in the ether.

Things I’ve Noticed That I Haven’t Written Down

I’m six weeks deep in this experiment of changing my life in one year from 1/19/26 to 1/19/27 and I’m feeling pretty confident in myself so far. I think I’m becoming a calmer person in that I realized my road rage hasn’t been rampant, when I’m feeling money stress it doesn’t overwhelm me, and I haven’t shut down in a few weeks which is all very relieving.

I have become a morning person as I’m up around 4:30 to get ready for work. This hour isn’t quiet, the other folks in my house are rustling around (and blending smoothies) upstairs, but nobody is near my space so in a sense, they are quiet. My caffeine consumption is down: I’m only consuming 1-2 caffeinated drinks each day and it’s usually an energy drink in the morning and small cup of homemade coffee at night. I have more energy naturally, I think from going to the gym after work and eating a little bit better.

One thing I’m slipping on it keeping my area clean. I haven’t been making my bed, there are clothes on the floor. I think I need to purge some clothes, tbh. Maybe I’ll do that this week. <3

Life:

The last weekend of the month, I went out with some friends to play Pokemon Go in the city and spent some time on Michigan Avenue where we went shopping and ate at a new brewery called Crushed by Giants. During this trip, I was able to go to the Harry Potter store for the first time and It’s so cool. It’s massive, the music from the films plays, they have all of the treats from Universal (including Butterbeer), I could have stayed there for hours.

I read a lot this week and I’m finally back in a reading groove. I have been actively posting my book reviews on here, but I finished two books this week and although both were okay it’s been so nice to not doomscroll and actually sit and read a physical book. Reading is far from a new concept to me, my life revolves around books, but I’m setting aside time that isn’t lunch hour to read and that time has been really important to me.

Health:

I weighed in on 3/1 and I am down 7.6lbs from the beginning of the year. :) I’m not comfy doling out weight and numbers yet, but I’ll share a monthly weigh in with y’all. This was a big deal for me and a huge confidence boost because I’ve been stuck at my highest weight since I reached it and now, I’m putting my health first and it’s paying off in all strains of my daily life.

I also reached 200 days with my birb Apricot on Finch. I started this app a smidge skeptical, but it’s also drastically improved the little parts of my routine throughout the day because I’m taking the time to ensure they get done. It’s little things like breathing exercises, washing my face, getting out of bed, etc. I’ll leave my reference link for y’all in case you want to try it. It’s totally free and there are no ads. <3

Song of the Day playlist has been updated with:

• Phenomenal (AJ Styles’ theme song)

• Asleep by the Smiths

• Starburster by Fontaines DC

• Do You Realize by the Flaming Lips

• Fleeting by Joey Gaydos Jr.

• Harry’s Wondrous World (from Harry Potter)

• My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion